Free The Complete Sparkling Vampire Parody Collection (1-4) by Lacy Maran, Kevin Michael Page B

around like brain dead ninnies."
    "That sounds like a dream come true.  Frolicking is my second favorite hobby behind disappointing intellectuals with my lack of emotional complexity."
    "If we are going to have an epic tongue tug of war, I do have to warn you about the secret I have under my clothes."
    "Oh God, you have a tiny pecker, don't you?  No wonder you brood so much."
    "No no, not a surprise in my pants.  Although I think you'll be happily surprised by my dingaling.  I mean a surprise like I sparkle in the sun."
    "You must be a real hit at parties.  And just think, I'll never have to worry about accessorizing again.  Now I expect your tongue down my throat in five seconds or I might just die of excitement."
    ***
    "Wow, that was better than a month of moping.  Yipee for tongue acrobatics," I swooned, after some hardcore heavy necking.
    "You know, that's not all I'm good at," Hunky insisted.  "I can do a whole bunch of other things vampires can't normally do."
    "What, you mean like your own dry cleaning?  Astrophysics?  Sitting through an entire slideshow of my Aunt Ethel's trip to the paper mache museum without nodding off?"
    "I meant things like flying and reading people's minds."
    "Woo, what am I thinking about right now?  I'll give you a hint: it doesn't involve monkeys playing shuffleboard."
    "That's the thing.  One of the reasons I was drawn to you was because I couldn't read your thoughts.  There's so much mystery to you."
    "Mystery?  There are hide and seek games with more intrigue than my life. "
    "Forgive my nincompoopery.  I am distracted by your beautifully bulging veins."
    "I'm distracted by something of yours that's bulging too," I replied.
    "You probably have the most arousing hemoglobin of any pouty girl I've ever met.  I could suck you to within an inch of your life."
    "You know, some girls would think that was horribly creepy, but I call it love at first bite."
    "But I haven't actually bitten you," Hunky countered.
    "Jeez, you're 104 years old and you don't know what a metaphor is?  No wonder you haven't graduated from Spork High yet."
    "Why don't we fly through the forest together to distract from the creepiness of a century old vampire getting freaky deaky with a teenage girl?"
    "Gosh, why do you have to bring details into my wildly improbably love life?"
    ***
    "Hey look, if it isn't my disapproving family coming over to be a buzzkill," Hunky bemoaned.
    "You're 104 and you still live with your parents?" I asked.
    "He's my sire, not my Dad. But yes," Hunky answered.
    "Please tell me you don't live in the basement and play bass in a ska band."
    "Ska is for wusses.  I play the pan flute."
    "Hunky, we have a big problem," Bummer O'Buzzkill said.
    "You didn't run out of constipation cream again, did you?" Hunky asked.
    "There's a rogue coven of vampires that want to hunt your new girlfriend for sport," Bummer explained.
    "I knew there was a reason I always hated sports.  Especially curling," I replied. "Sweeping a patch of ice is dumber than putting a gerbil up your butt." 
    "This is serious," Bummer replied. "The vampire hunting you is more demented than a team of Satan worshipping clowns doing tai chi."
    "I hate clowns.  And Satan.  Horns just don't match anything in my wardrobe," I said, out of my wits (though I did have many wits to begin with).
    "Don't worry.  We got you a room at the Obvious Hiding Spot Motel.  He'll never find you there," Bummer added.
    I immediately turned to Hunky.  "How could I live without your all too pasty skin and expressionless face for even one minute?"
    But at least Hunky wasn't at a loss for parting words.  "I used to think life was as meaningless as trying to find a truthful lawyer, or a moving company that wouldn't break half your stuff.  Now I realize the meaning of life is to get your knob gobbled as much as possible.  And I have you to thank for that."
    "You are a true pecker philosopher.  Now go kill this evil vampire so we can dry