Free The Complete Sparkling Vampire Parody Collection (1-4) by Lacy Maran, Kevin Michael

Hey Sparkling Vampire, Let’s Get It On
    It was hard to believe a mopey girl like me could attract the attention of so many guys when a goth convention wasn't even in town.  But there mousey old me was with guys literally willing to rip each other apart like sumo wrestlers at an all you can eat buffet.  I hated to report that popularity wasn't all it was cracked up to be though, unless your idea of a good time involved hunting teenage girls for sport (did I just stumble into a Starvation Games spoof?).  But with all the blood lusting and loin lusting going on, I may have gotten ahead of myself. Let me take you back to the beginning:
    In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth...no no no.  Not the biblical beginning, although kudos God for this kick ass planet.  I was talking about the beginning of my gangly little awkward story (are you tired of me emoting yet?)
    To Phoenix we go, the birthplace of oppressive heat (and some pretty decent chalupas too).  But even though it was 120 degrees in the shade, at least it was a dry heat.  Anywho, there I was, just pouting my life away.  Then my Mother had the nerve to go and be happy, leaving me to be sullen and oversensitive alone.  What ever happened to "the family that mopes together, stays together"?
    Yup, my Mom went and got smitten like a newborn kitten, marrying a minor league baseball player (way to hit a home run Ma).  Baseball analogies were not so kind to me though.  My life turned into one big whiff as my Mom shipped me off to Spork, Washington so she could canoodle in private.
    ***
    Wow.  It turned out Washington state was as rainy as my disposition (and I was worried I'd have nowhere to brood).  My Dad picked me up with as much interest as anyone would having a teenager pawned off on them.  You'd think we'd have a lot to catch up on after so many years apart, but my Father could only carry on conversations with saxophones.  At first I thought it was strange that a man could be fluent in brass instruments yet dumbstruck by English.  Then I saw the creepy, isolated, middle of nowhere adjacent cabin he lived in and the years of bumbling awkwardness finally made sense.
    I could not begin to tell you how jazzed I was to live in a creepy cabin that scared sunlight away.  The locals were friendly though.  One neighbor in particular, a guy named Second Fiddle who'd had a crush on me since we were both kids.  But since he hadn't gone off and developed a dreamy six pack yet, I was not going to swoon so soon.
    School came by in a hurry, and brought a new bonanza of awkwardness with it.  I could have hid in my sweater and developed a new set of submarine social skills I was so uncomfortable.  But maybe chemistry class would make the perfect metaphor for my hormones to bubble over.  Remind me to send a thank you card to metaphors, because of all the pale as an albino hunks in the world, my butt got to park next to the palest.  If I haven't mentioned it before, nothing made me go hubba hubba like a guy that made a whiteout seem colorful.  And Hunky McBrooding was as pasty as a girl could ask for.
    My heart started to do a little happy dance the minute I saw Hunky.  But just my pessimistic luck, the guy seemed to hate the very sight of me.  You would have thought I'd farted in his mouth by the way he scowled at me.  Once I ruled out renegade halitosis or a stray booger hanging out of my nose, I was stumped at how I could have made an enemy so quickly (he hadn't even heard me do karaoke).  And what a hunky enemy he was.  The dreamiest kind of perfection.  I could have swooned all the way to June if he wasn't busy burning a hole in me with his debonnair death stare.
    Since I'd suddenly become enemy number one to the hottest guy in the history of the universe, school became as appetizing as moldy cafeteria food.  But because of some weird new thing called education, my Dad forced me to go back the next day.  To my shock, ol' hunky mcglares a lot