Free Greegs & Ladders by Mitchell Mendlow

“It is impossible to make sense of the
labyrinthine surface of Lincra without one.”
    “ And a
good map, too,” added Wilx. “Some of these are poor quality.” He
picked one up from a nearby table. “Look at this one, it’s just a
white piece of paper that says ‘ You are anywhere you want to be.’ How does such existential
drivel qualify as a
map?”
    The unkempt
vendor selling this object was of the belief that all reality is
artificial, and can therefore shift its appearance according to the
mind's desire. He was also heavily tripping out on the boiled
juices of psychotropic Lincran-leaves.
    “Don’t be
harsh,” said the unkempt vendor as he imagined his own hand
transforming into a tentacle. “That map contains valuable advice.
You should never forget that all your surroundings are a fantasy,
and that you can change where you’re at simply by imagining you’re
somewhere else.”
    “You know what
else is a fantasy?” asked Rip.
    “What?”
    “Your income.
Because nobody will ever buy what you’re selling.”
    “Oh, these
maps aren’t for sale. I offer everything for free, being that any
apparent value of money is imaginary anyway.”
    Rip grabbed a
stack of the maps and tore them up until they were tiny shreds. It
took a long time. The trio then continued walking as if nothing
happened. The unkempt vendor made up some new maps. It was an easy
task considering they were merely a single sentence written on a
white piece of paper.
    “Look at this
one!” said Wilx, pointing to a different and infinitely more
exciting map vendor. “I’m gonna get one of these.”
    Wilx left the
group for a minute. When he returned he wasn’t really holding a map
(defining a map as something that can be folded and placed in a
glove-box) but rather carried a multi-volume set of 30 pound
hardcover books.
    “This should
help us find everything.”
    “Look, here
comes one of the parking lot shuttle-sliders,” said Rip. “Let’s
board it while we can.”
    They got on
the shuttle before it whizzed off. Shuttle-sliders are dissimilar
to floating elevators in the sense that they only move
horizontally, but are similar in the sense that they also
frighteningly lack handrails.
    Obotron 1 had
landed almost directly in the middle of the parking lot, meaning
that reaching the edge of the dome by foot would have entailed a
horrendous, month-long journey with nothing to eat except for maps
and other paper products. By taking the shuttle car they would
reach the edge of the dome in a matter of minutes. The fare was
offensively expensive, but it had to be paid. Most people who
attempt walking across the great parking lot are never heard from
again.
    The instant
the shuttle was out of sight, several dozen curious fingers and
antennae placed themselves upon the surface of Obotron 1. The
disgusting creatures in ownership of these fingers and antennae
were happy to learn there was no protective shield setting them on
fire. They celebrated this fact by smashing a few of the windows
and entering the ship. The intruders proceeded to devour what
little remaining food they could find. This was not a great loss as
it was all thoroughly urine-soaked. They then proceeded to syphon
nearly all of the ship's fuel. Upon leaving, the creatures didn’t
even bother to use the same broken windows, but rather found a few
new ones to crash through.
    The shuttle
arrived at the edge of the dome. Rip was the first one to walk
through the door and see the surface of Lincra, and was therefore
the first one to suffer a mild heart attack. It was instantly clear
as to why a map is the most valuable item you can own on this
planet. The surface of Lincra is actually a myriad of surfaces
stacked on top of each other, a gradual layering upon layering
created for the purpose of maximizing spacial problems. A planetary
version of a nesting doll, there is the one major outermost planet,
and within that planet lay a smaller planet, and within that
smaller planet lay