Free Letting Go by Erosa Knowles

headed toward the dining area. She heard a door open, but didn’t turn as she took a seat facing Robin. The words she had rehearsed many times in her mind tripped over themselves. She couldn’t get them to line up and make sense. Her heart raced as she gazed into his dark brown eyes. A young man on the brink of becoming a man. She wiped her palms against the side of her jeans. Breathing became a struggle. How could she ask him? Her throat tightened and her gut churned. Bile rose in the back of her mouth as the words she planned to ask fought for freedom.
    “What’s wrong, Mom? Is it dad? He’s been calling you again?”
    The question surprised her and broke the paralysis. “What? No. Well, yeah, he’s been calling. But I don’t have time to talk to that fool.” Her ex had discovered life wasn’t better on the other side of the driveway. He’d lost his job due to lay-offs, and when his money ran out, his much younger wife took their two daughters and moved back to her parents. From what Arnold told her, his wife had him tied up in court over child support. She hung up when the crazy man started comparing her to his current wife.
    “Okay?”
    She inhaled, prayed for strength and spoke. “Are you gay?”
    He jerked back as if she slapped him. In truth, she preferred a slap than this conversation. His mouth dropped open and then snapped shut. “What?” His voice sounded strangled.
    “You heard me, don’t make me ask again.” Pain and disillusionment clouded her vision. Her baby, her one child, please Lord.
    “Why’re you asking me that?”
    Her heart sank further with no hope of retrieval. “Answer me. Are you gay?” Certainty, which had been her mainstay, abandoned her in the face of his question. Time took a vacation. No one moved. Her heart left her chest altogether the moment he didn’t deny it. Most straight men would have yelled, “No.”
    “No, Mom. I’m not gay.” He didn’t sound offended, or curious. His voice held a tinge of sadness, like someone did him wrong.
    She exhaled. A block of relief rolled off her shoulder. Life was good. Everything was good. Her son was good. Normal. Not gay.
    “I’m bisexual.”
    What the hell ? Her hand flew to her mouth to stop the shriek threatening to erupt. “Bisexual? What? You like men and women? I mean boys and girls? No… male and female?”
    He glanced over his shoulder at his aunt, licked his lips, and returned to meet her gaze. “Yes, Ma’am. I like them both.”
    She shot Jessie a hot glance. Had her sister talked to him about this bisexual nonsense? Jessie held up her hands and shook her head. Okay. “When did this happen?”
    “Happen?” He sounded confused.
    Wanting to shake him, she placed her hands on the table to keep from grabbing him by his shirt. “When did you start liking boys?” she snapped, unable to accept his claim. Jessie straightened in the hall and frowned.
    Robin’s eyes widened. “I…I…” He bowed his head and looked away from her. “I like both, Mom. I’ve always liked both. Girls just don’t… they don’t like me.”
    Everything she learned that told her to have a calm, rational, conversation with him flew out the window. Anger, shame and guilt collided, creating a toxic cocktail. “What? What are you talking about? Girls look at you all the time. Have you tried talking to a girl? Have you ever given a girl any sign that you’re interested?” Vibrating with rage, she rose from her seat, leaning over the table. “Have you?” she screamed.
    He remained rooted in the same spot. Not moving, and not speaking. Out the corner of her eye she saw Jessie move and raised her finger to stop her. This was between her and her son.
    “I asked you a damn question. Answer me,” she demanded, moving close enough to see the track of tears run down his cheek.
    “No,” he whispered.
    “Why not?”
    “I’m scared.”
    “Why?”
    “Don’t know, I just am.”
    “But you’re not scared to talk to boys?” She spat