Free Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape by Marsha Petrie Sue

about you to other people.”
    “I’m perfect. Therefore, it is my duty to notice all of the faults around me.”
    “I’m right, so you had better be sure to listen to me.”
    Most Whine and Cheesers learned this behavior as children.
    Maybe they had parents who modeled this behavior. Maybe whining was the only way to get attention. Maybe honesty and feelings were criticized or ignored. Whatever the reason, complaining is a habit, and a self-defeating one at that.
    The Payoff for the Whine and Cheeser’s Toxic Behavior
    Zero responsibility is the name of the game for the Whine and Cheesers. In addition, they annoy others so much that they are ostracized from the group, and that is their goal—to be left alone and have no personal accountability. Frequently, they will not be asked to accept additional work or responsibilities because no one wants to hear their constant complaints and rants.
    Survival Tactics
    Don’t agree with the Whine and Cheeser. Ever. They are famous for interrupting others and cutting them off to add their negative comments. Learn to stop them by saying courteously, “That’s not the way I see it. My point of view is . . .” or “I choose to take a more positive perspective, because I have found that gets me better results.” Don’t pause or hesitate, because that space will give the Whine and Cheeser an opportunity to continue with their negativity.
    Another great approach is to ignore their complaints when in public, then corner the Whine and Cheeser privately. In this approach, you should use “I” language and not “you” language. Keeping total responsibility for what you are saying is critical, because the minute you begin pointing the finger with “you” language you will start pushing them even further into pessimism. This may not change them, but you will feel much better! More important, you will have modeled what a proactive message sounds like.
    What to Say
    Do not let these people suck the life out of you. Memorize a statement that fits with your situation and use it on the Whine and Cheeser and say it repeatedly to them because they probably will not hear it the first few times. This lets them know you are not buying into their misery.
“Are you looking for some specific solutions to this, or do you just want me to help you look into the problem?”
    “Did you want me to comment or just listen?”
    “Let’s take a moment to focus on the good points. What idea appeals to you the most?”
    “From what I’ve seen, I don’t think that is true. Whenever I’ve gone to her with a problem she’s been really open and helpful.”
    “The focus so far is
    . Is there anything else?”
    Behaviors to Avoid
    At all costs, do not buy into their misery. If you are having a tough day, avoid the Whine and Cheeser.
    When they are telling you their story of woe, unfold your arms and push the energy toward them by leaning forward. Stay pleasant and focused on your goals. In addition, try not to embarrass them.
    This just gives them more ammunition.
    Identify if your Toxic Person is a Whine and Cheeser by listening and watching. Do this as quickly as possible and then take action. Don’t fall victim to the Whine and Cheeser. That is their goal!
    Take II: How It Should Sound
    Jonathan knew that there must be another reorganization coming, because all the bigwigs were in meetings day after day. While talking with Mary, a coworker, he said, “We don’t even have the resources we need right now to do the job. Why do they think giving me a new boss every 18 months will make things better? All they really want is to cut costs. What do you think, Mary?”
    Mary answered, “I think change is good. It makes us—” Before she could finish, Jonathan cut her off, saying, “Change is awful!” Mary jumped right back in and said, “Oh, Jonathan, I wasn’t finished with my thought. As I was saying, I think change is good. It makes us find new solutions and keeps the environment dynamic.