Free Weirder Than Weird by Francis Burger

Most of us would be hard pressed to ascribe one instance in our lives that was the impetus for a true life changing event, especially one so seemingly insignificant, but for Sal this was it.
        It can honestly be said that two life-long obsessions were formed that day as a result of his birthday trauma, for one, he would forever associate himself with sugary concoctions… pies, cakes, candies, virtually anything sweet. For this unhealthy indulgence psychologists would use the phrase “over compensating” and Sal certainly did that, in fact, he would eventually overcompensate himself past the three hundred pound mark.
        As for the other obsession, simply put, he hated bugs! Hate was even too mild a word to describe how he felt, he actually despised them, all of them, not just the black ants that ruined his day many years ago, he developed a deep loathing and aversion for any and all of God’s creepy crawlers. But of course, as sometimes happens, an obsession can be transformed into something useful and maybe even profitable. This is what ultimately happened to Sal.
        Out of his bug hatred was born a very prosperous exterminating business. For years he enjoyed all the work he could handle and received high praise from his clients for his bug killing prowess. He once even received a plaque from the mayor’s office thanking him for his efforts in eliminating the Great Cockroach Infestation of ‘89 at the courthouse.
        Yes, Sal was on top of his game for many years but unfortunately over time, the constant snacking and exposure to the toxic fumes he worked with took its toll on the old boy and now a’days  he found himself working less and less. In his progressive lethargy, he became exceedingly careless and on this particular day he arrived home not feeling well. As it turns out, it totally slipped his mind to change the filters in his gas mask and that old familiar tingly feeling was coursing through his body once again. Only this time the effects were much more pronounced. He had become somewhat disoriented and increasingly unsteady upon his feet. His solution for feeling better however had always been the same… PANCAKES!
        He got to work whipping up his favorite dish and in no time was holding a fluffy stack of “mouthwatering magic,” as he liked to call it. He poured close to a whole bottle of syrup upon the dish as he smacked his meaty lips in anticipation. He made his way to the table but after a few steps a faintness suddenly overtook him and he began to swoon. He grabbed for something to steady his house size frame but it was too late. Sal the bug man hit the floor with an Earth shattering explosion.
        He lie there upon the floor among a scattering of cakes and broken plate, his left foot and leg covered in a sticky syrupy mess. After a few moments of regaining his senses, he took inventory of his person. “Nothing feels broken,” he thought to himself. “As a matter of fact…” An unsettling realization suddenly crossed his mind. “I can’t feel a thing… I can’t even move!” He broke into a cold sweat. “I think… I must have broken my neck!”
        The thunderous vibration from his fall caught the attention of the tiny inhabitants of the house and they came running to see what had caused the sizable earthquake. Sal looked on with horror as a stream of red ants made their way across the kitchen floor. The golden brown nectar seemed to send them into a wild frenzy and soon there were thousands of tiny eating machines pouring out from every crack and crevice imaginable. In no time his leg was fully engulfed by the swarming mass and he let out a scream in desperation.
        “Oh, that’s just great!” came a tiny voice, seemingly out of nowhere. “Sal the bug man, the great Sal… King of the Exterminators cries out like a little girl!”
        “What? Who’s there?” asked Sal, rolling his eyes trying to see who was talking, “Please go get some