Free Revolting Youth: The Further Journals of Nick Twisp by C. D. Payne

congratulations.” I suggested she send them a card. I know etiquette is on my side on this issue, and I was making that exact point when Sheeni slammed the door.
    Still somewhat jet-lagged, Carlotta sat in the sun on the back porch and watched Fuzzy and Lana wash Granny DeFalco’s cherry 1965 Ford Falcon. It will be his to drive in 14 months and 23 days (he’s counting down the hours to his sixteenth birthday, when he can get his license). For now he has to content himself with driving his car in and out of the garage, and revving the engine to impress chicks. From the boisterous way they were squirting each other with the hose, I gathered that things had not gone too badly on my pal’s first date.
    8:40 p.m. The Weather Channel reports another big storm is headed toward the South. Looks like I got out just in time. With any luck, the newlyweds may be holed-up in that motel all week with nothing to do but exhaust their supply of defective prophylactics. Surely that elusive G-spot has been located by now.
    •    •    •
    MONDAY, March 8 — School today was abuzz with rumors of a Preston-Joshi merger. Half the girls in my classes looked like they were in shock and the other half appeared to be in deep mourning. Heartsick Sonya in clothing technology class was totally out of control.
    “If Trent married that girl,” she declared to Carlotta, “I’m going to kill myself. Right after I murder you.”
    “What did I do?” I asked, alarmed.
    “You introduced me to him. You got my hopes up, girl.”
    “Well, meet me in the cafeteria at noon and I’ll introduce you to my neighbor, Bruno Modjaleski. He’s a fabulous kisser.”
    “Bruno Modjaleski is a pig,” she retorted. “Besides, everyone knows he’s going with Candy Pringle. And I very much doubt he ever kissed you.”
    “Want to bet $50?”
    “You’re on, pimple toes.”
    Sheeni was pretty frosty toward me in physics class. I wasn’t sure if she was pissed at me, attempting to quell vicious rumors, preoccupied with the hydrogen atom, disturbed by rumors of my bet, or simply anticipating future Carlotta snubbing in gym.
    Another traumatic embarrassment in the cafeteria. Of course, with Candy Pringle snacking on a slimming cheerleader’s lunch in the chair beside him, Bruno had to deny everything. Carlotta turned a violent shade of scarlet and was forced to pay off Sonya right on the spot just to shut up her big fat mouth. What a humiliation, especially with you-know-who yucking it up with Vijay at the next table over.
    Fuzzy questioned my sanity on the walk home from school.
    “Carlotta, why are you spreading it all over school that you made out with Bruno?” he demanded.
    “I’m not, Frank. It just seemed like an easy way to make fifty bucks. And why aren’t you walking Lana home?”
    “Her brother gives her a ride. They live way back up in the hills somewhere.”
    “Perhaps they’re trying to re-create their West Virginia milieu. So how was your date?”
    “Great. We had pizza downtown. Then we walked to the Little League park and smoked a joint in the visitors’ dugout.”
    “Where’d you get the reefer?”
    “From Lana. We smoked one in the Falcon yesterday too. It was awesome. I thought my brain was going to explode.”
    “So she has a great body and access to powerful hallucinogenics. I told you I can pick them. What base did you get to?”
    “Well, I’m sort of working up to holding her hand.”
    “Frank, you’d only known Heather for three hours when you made it to home base.”
    “True, but Heather ran a pretty fast offense. Did Lana say anything about me?”
    “She said you were tons of fun and really smart.”
    “Cool. When did she say that?”
    “This afternoon in the locker room. You might call it the naked truth.”
    Fuzzy punched Carlotta in the arm.
    “Brute! How dare you strike a woman!”
    “Yeah, well just keep your filthy eyeballs off my chick.”
    5:45 p.m. Carlotta received another unexpected blow when