Free Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 by Amanda Egan

bet Columbo didn’t drink on the job.
     
    By about midnight it had all became hilariously raucous with us all throwing the most ridiculous accusations at one another.  At one point Fenella said that Ned was definitely guilty because he was wearing a scarlet waistcoat and hadn’t finished all of his pudding.  At which point Ned replied that he didn’t intend to finish it because he knew she’d put poison at the bottom of the dish!
     
    Josh shuddered a little when Madame Sinful said that ‘she’ hadn’t forgotten that ‘she’ owed him a particular sexual favour and was that why he’d bumped off one of ‘her’ girls?  Think Josh may have the same gay biases as Ned.  Question Fenella at later date.
     
    Turned out that none of us were super sleuths because the guilty Madame Sinful got off without a single accusation.  Nic drunkenly put this down to his fantastic acting ability and treated us all to a slurred version of his (already prepared) Oscar acceptance speech.  Of course this was hugely embroidered and ended, for some reason, with him thanking the milkman, the milkman’s tortoise and the Pakistani man who runs his corner shop.
     
    We all ended with a toast to Sajid and his humble convenience store.
     
    Sounds ridiculous as I write it but guess you had to be there.
     
    Ended the night (morning?) with a medley of Barry Manilow songs.  Can still see Fenella and Nic doing a memorable duet of ‘I Made it Through the Rain,’ while Josh and Rick watched lovingly.  Mrs S would have been proud of us.
     
    A strange but gay evening!
     
    Monday 16 th June  AM
     
    Spent morning trying to catch up on the neglected housework.  Dog & Co have now been moved to some very comfy duvets under the stairs so I can finally clean under the kitchen table.
     
    Yuck, most of the clothes from under the table had to be chucked but thankfully my Versace blouse wasn’t among them and at least a pile of washing and ironing has now left the building.
     
    Mrs S called to tell me that she’s on her sixtieth jar of pickle and that Pritesh had told her off for planning to charge only a pound a jar.  Said that I agreed with Pritesh and that she should charge at least four pounds fifty.  “Think of all your time and the cost of the ingredients, Mrs S.  And anyway the mums won’t buy anything that’s too cheap because they won’t think it’s good enough for them.”
     
    “Oh good, you are agreeing with my Pritesh.  I am thinking that maybe you should meet with him to discuss my profit margins.”
     
    Told her I didn’t think that would be necessary but mentally awarded her ten out of ten for trying. 
     
    Got text from Fenella mid morning:
     
    I SO BORED.  TODD AT NURSERY.  CHARLOTTE AT FRIEND’S.  LUNCH?  MY TREAT.  MUST HAVE XMAS FAIR THINGS TO DISCUSS SO GOOD EXCUSE. XX
     
    As Max was also at a friend for lunch, decided to meet, certain that months of dust and scum could wait another morning.  At least it was clean under the table now so I felt I’d made a fairly good start.  Each journey starts with a small step and all that baloney.
     
     
    PM
     
    “You went where for lunch?”  Ned questioned me over dinner.  “Wooo, that must have set her back a few quid.  Hope she’s not expecting a return match.”
     
    I assured him that she didn’t expect me to reciprocate.  He doesn’t need to know that I had, in fact, insisted on doing so (praying that she’d say no!).  But she’s well aware of our situation and said she’d be delighted to come for a bowl of my carrot soup and walnut bread one day next week.
     
    Fenella never makes it feel like she’s ‘lording it’ over me, which she could so easily.  I really am so pleased that I met her and that’s got nothing to do with the free lunch!
     
    Lou phoned just before bed:
     
    “Tried to ring you at lunchtime.  Where were yeh?  Off at some chi-chi restaurant with your new posh pal, I s’ppose?”
     
    Lou has a tendency towards