Free Just Make Him Beautiful by Mike Warren

to the floor.
    “Son, are you ok ay ?” Officer Crawley asked as he helped me up.
    My eyes began to water once more. “ Yeah, I’m fine . ”
    “What is his name?” Mother asked .
    Officer Crawley looked at his paperwork. “His name is Jerome R ogers , but they call him Junior .”
    “He’s just a baby himself. How old is he?” Mother asked.
    “He just turned eighteen. ”
    As M other and Officer Crawley talked, all I could do was to stare at Junior behind the glass mirror. The guilt I felt was horrible. Why did I have to go outside that day? I f I’d stayed in the house like I was suppose d to , Ray would still be alive. How was I supposed to live with this guilt for the rest of my life?
    *
    M other and I were chauffeured back to our home , courtesy of Officer Crawley. There wasn’t any conversation along the way . O nce we got home, M other went to her room , and I went to mine. I closed my door and lay on Ray’s bunk while listening to M other ba w l her eyes out in the next room . A s I lay there , I could still feel and smell him all around me.
    Am I sleeping? I ask ed this because it fe lt like a dream. Am I breathing? Is it my brother who died, or was it me? I thought it must have been me because m y brother had always protected me, so who was going to protect me now? My brother loved me, so who was going to love me now?
    I d id n’t think I c ould take this kind of pain . How can I kill myself? I so wanted to die but was too afraid of death. How can I go on when I don’t want to live? Who will protect me now? What about my brother’s clothes and his things? I think I wanna move.  I can’t stay here in this room and not have my brother here to love me.
    M y brother protected me, but he was killed because of me . I killed my brother. Can anybody hear me? I killed my brother. Wake up, Cameron.  This can’t be happening. Wake up. I want to kill Junior. Who will protect me now?
    I need ed someone to protect and love me. I want ed him to be B eautiful , Black, E mployed , Attractive, U nderstanding , Tall, Independent, Faithful, Unique , Lovable, and most of all, protective of me . Please God, Just Make Him Beautiful.
    *
    The following day I didn’t wake up until noon time. I really didn’t feel like getting up because I had slept in Ray’s bed all night , which comforted me .
    I got up and walked out into the living room , but all the lights were still out. I went to M other ’ s room and knocked on her bedroom door , but there was no answer . I quietly open ed t he door and found her lying in bed, still asleep.
    “M other , wake up,” I said , tapping her. She didn’t budge or ma k e a sound . “M other , wake up.”
    “Leave me alone.”
    “M other , it’s after twelve o’clock . D idn’t Dr. Ros s ask you to give him a call around this time?”
    “Leave me alone, I said.”
    “M other , you have to wake up. We have to make arrangements for Ray.”
    “I don’t have to do a damn thing,” she said , turning over and going back to sleep.
    I closed M other ’ s door, got dressed , and went next door to get my baby sister.
    I knocked on Ms. Washington ’s door and waited until she answered.
    “Good afternoon , Cameron . S o , how is Ray doing?”
    Obviously, she hadn ’ t heard . I didn’t know how to say it , so I just blurted out , “He’s dead . T hat’s how he’s doing!” I started to cry again.
    “Oh my God ! Cameron, I didn’t know. Come on in , baby . ” S he open ed the door so I could enter.
    I walked into her apartment and found Keshia sitting at the kitchen table eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a glass of milk. I sat at the kitchen table and explained to Ms. Washington what had happened when we got to the hospital the night before, and that Ray had died because of me.
    “No , Cameron, don’t say that. Ray died because it was just his time. God called him , and when God calls, you must answer . ” 
    I didn’t tell Ms. Washington that Ray had