Free Everything Left Unsaid by Jessica Davidson

just need some . . . time,’ I tell her. ‘Alone.’
    ‘Okay.’ It’s hesitant. ‘I’ll be in my room if you feel like talking, okay? Or even if you just want some company. Or some toast. Or something.’
    I don’t. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to see anyone. I just want to be alone, turning my iPod up louder and louder until I can’t hear myself cry anymore. I lie on the bed, waiting for it to make sense, waiting for it to sink in, but it doesn’t. My head’s pounding and the room seems too small. I want to run to the beach, swim until my lungs are ready to explode and I’m too tired to go against the waves anymore. But the second I leave the room they’ll be all over me again, suffocating me. I’m pacing back and forth, trying to fucking think, trying not to fucking think, and my phone beeps, two, three, four times. I reach out, knock it off the desk, and it falls onto the floor, falls apart. I turn up the volume on my iPod, louder, louder, slamming my pillow over my face, screaming into it.
    This isn’t real this isn’t real this isn’t real.

 
     
     
Juliet
    When Mum comes home from work I’m still weeping. Evidently, my appearance doesn’t tell her enough because she says, ‘You were meant to call me after the appointment. How did it go?’ And then I have to say aloud the words that have been rattling around in my brain all afternoon.
    ‘Tai’s dying.’
    Mum sits on my bed for a long time that night, stroking my hair as I sob. Hours after she’s gone to bed, I’m still awake, my mind teeming with questions. How? And when? Will he get sick first? What will it be like, when he dies? And how the fuck are we all meant to carry on afterwards?
    The next morning I wake late, my eyes gritty and sore. I’m vaguely aware of Mum talking on the phone, saying things like malignant tumour and such a shock . I stay under the shower till there’s no more hot water, then stand in front of the mirror and start slathering on eyeliner.
    Mum stands behind me and watches.
    ‘I called the school, sweetheart. Mia had already rung them about Tai, but I think you need to have this week off.’
    ‘Um. Okay. What did they say?’
    Mum’s face collapses. ‘They said they’re really sorry.’
    My breathing is short and shaky now, like I’ve forgotten how, and I put down the eyeliner.
    When I’ve finished dressing I call out to Mum, ‘I’m going to Tai’s.’
    • • •
    Tai’s house is strangely quiet. I knock before letting myself in, and find Mia alone at the kitchen table. She starts when she sees me.
    ‘Oh, Juliet, I didn’t hear you.’
    ‘Sorry – I did knock. It’s so quiet in here. Nothing’s happened, has it?’
    ‘Not since yesterday.’ It’s meant to be wry and ironic but it’s not.
    ‘I just wanted to see Tai.’
    Mia shakes her head. ‘I don’t think so, Juliet. Tai doesn’t really want to talk to anyone right now. You can go and knock on his door, though. You never know.’
    I walk down the hall to stand at his door and knock, feeling both anxious and absurd. ‘Tai? It’s me. Do you want some company?’
    ‘No.’ It’s flat, and the rejection hits me like a hard ball in the stomach.
    ‘Oh. That’s okay. Can I come in and ignore you then?’
    There’s a pause, and I think he’s going to let me in, but he says quietly, ‘I just really want to be alone.’
    I trudge back down the hall, and though I’ve promised myself I won’t cry, I’m close to it. Mia says gently, ‘Don’t take it personally, Juliet.’ Yeah. Okay.
    • • •
    I spend the rest of the day in bed, but when there’s a knock on my bedroom door that afternoon I leap up, sure it must be Tai. ‘Oh. It’s you,’ I say when Gen sticks her head around the door.
    ‘Thanks. What’s wrong with me?’
    ‘Nothing. Sorry. I thought you were Tai.’
    Gen sits on the end of my bed and tucks her legs under her. ‘Want to tell me about it?’
    ‘I went to Tai’s today, and he didn’t